art, mental limit, comprehendable but unconveyable concepts

[comix64]

for a long while, i've wanted to have art skills. i didnt want them specifically to be able to project a mental image onto something viewable by others, for the projection. i wanted it for the viewability. i wanted to be able to draw because i wanted to be appreciated, not because i wanted the art itself. i realize now i have naturally come to be skilled at what im doing now. writing. i really only write about my thoughts, when i write. i spend a lot of my writing here, in this little textbox. i think i have, over the course of today and yesterday, come to hit some sort of limit or cap. i find myself unusually frustrated when trying to express something unexpressable. it isn't the unexpression itself, but it is a property of something else. a sort of knowledge. i read Infinite Jest, and while it never outright says "Entertainment is everywhere", i came to realize this pretty soon after trying to do any sort of critical thinking about the novel. it is one of the most basic noticabilities about it. the world in there has come to be dominated by entertainment. and what i came to realize is that that isn't something bad. but even if it were it would be quite the battle. but the book itself is an entertainment too, no? but, as my old art teacher would put it, im biting into another tangerine here. what i mean to say is, i have a concept in my mind, one single concept, stemmed from the internal-burning of many a beautiful idea. for example, the idea i had read today, about immersion, which is the one which inspired me to revisit the concept, and i also feel as if my very first mental wall-rub into the blind, dark room that was this concept, caused it to become a much bigger room, as a result of a more experienced mind. i havent thought of it in a while, and so it has changed. but the room is still dark. i can feel its contents, kick its floor, palm its walls. but i cannot ascertain the colors, thus i cannot paint it. i have in me a concept, and based off of the outline of its walls i can tell you it is a concept based off of thought, and a concept based off of concepts. but i find myself unable to conjure a psychological flashlight to bring into my next venture. i have hit a cap. and the cap is startling to me, as someone who, in the past, has found thought and writing to be seemingly limitless and joyous and a bounding landscape of sunshine and rainbows. but i have just recovered from what seems to be a loss of oxygen, after bounding directly through the atmosphere. and, of course, there's obviously space out there, and the atmosphere doesn't span infinitely, but i guess it just never occured to me that the mind has such a thing. i found myself overexerting my psyche, something i had never done before. i began to consider fact v. fiction, and the infinitely complex nature of everything that has never happened and never will, like the sudden explosion of every other Taco Bell establishment, and when i began to imagine the aftermath of the half-loss of the yumbrands inc. properties, i found myself trying to hit David Foster Wallace levels of parallel-lives, and i discovered my semi-conscious doing the mental equivalent of writhing on the floor. there are things i do not know. i have now, what i didnt before, i am easily able to conjure an idea and then realize i know nothing about it. and then it flees from me, or if it is persistent enough for me to attempt to comprehend it it injures me and i flee from it. i can, for brief stints, imagine an idea. its not just "an idea", but it is just too brief and too unexplainable. it frustrates me. i flee from it before i get another headache. i flee from the idea to my bed. i am just as confused as i was when i started typing. and i realize maybe it is good that there are ideas that confuse me. i want all of the ideas. i want ideas i can comprehend, ideas that make sense but that i do not understand, ideas that do not make sense but that i do understand (such as the idea i just conveyed), and ideas that do not make sense and that i do not understand (such as the one i am attempting to convey). this is all a structure, and i have no idea its contents. there is a whole world of ideas, and i have yet to discover it. i am being shown visions of this hypothetical world, and i realize now that i stopped caring for it a long time ago. what i am waiting for, before i begin really comprehending/conveying such ideas, is confirmation that this is something that someone else has experienced before. unlike some philosophers, i find comfort in uniformity here, not in innovation. it's harder to convey an idea that has nothing similar than it is to start with a pre-existing idea and warp it to what you'd like to achieve.