comix64 | immersive, indescribable want

i realized there is a lot i've overlooked. i claim to see poetry in the mundane but there are things other than the mundane to overlook. this isn't just "you forgot your nose is in your vision", i mean "there is something on the other side of boredom". i never visualized boredom as something to cut through. but you can be immersive, or so i hear! i always thought there were two choices when faced with boredom; to avoid it with distraction, or to simply sit in it, and be bored. i never thought there was anything past boredom. but there is? i havent tried it yet but in my time on this planet i believe i've been immersed once or twice. i just opened discord. and then closed it. i've got a long way to go. but i really appreciate it being made explicit to me. there was this picture of the RTF file editor in the old OS X, and it was something like "READ THIS UNTIL YOU BECOME BORED WITH IT, AND THEN KEEP REREADING IT. BE BORED. TAKE BACK YOUR BOREDOM". and i sort of got its point, and its advantage, but it still never clicked to me. in my youth i found many things to not click (because i was young and dumb). why does Santa use my parents' handwriting? where does the trash in the bin go? what happens if you drink mouthwash? this was because i hadn't gotten accustomed to the basic cause-and-affect of the universe. of which i forgot there really is one, for all the time i've spent doing things in it. but its nice to come back to it. fresh eyes. its still hard to describe. im not really sure what i mean myself. somehow i understand concepts without really being able to describe them mentally, or write about them. im afraid someone will read an essay i write about them, to teach the reader, and the essay will be about how it affects everything else, not about what it really is, and not understand what i mean. i read something that really described its heart directly, and im shocked at how beautifully it was able to describe such a heart. my hope someday is to find many more overlookings, the immersiveness past boredom, the reason to live, what's behind what people do, etc., because i dont have many of those yet. i hope to master it. to be able to make new ones. what i read today was more of a cover of the broad parts of what someone else wrote, and it was really helpful as someone who hadn't read the original, but i'd rather watch the Navidson Record than read House of Leaves, you know? House of Leaves describes things to you directly. you can have a cube on screen and not really think anything of it, but literature forces you to notice things by way of noticing them for you. the cube is red. you are looking at an isometric red cube with some NTSC-VHS shading on it. you know? video passes by you. photos are only 100 words if you decompress them into the 100 words they are, by way of writing. otherwise, to just look at a photo does nothing for your recognition of it. words are where it's really at. authors are the best in the category of telling you things. it's still hard to describe. i want what i've written to be read and then the reader realizes something. realizes what i'm trying to describe. it's a thought. you can't describe raw thought. but it's been done to me. i want to do it to you. someday i want to write and the text means what i want it to mean, directly. and even if what i've written is either confusing or doesn't describe it well and leaves the reader with something else or nothing at all, it's better than never trying. a different interpretation is still insightful and meaningful. a different interpretation still leads to new knowledge and philosophy, even if it isn't the same knowledge or philosophy the author is trying to teach. i still appreciate works that do that. even if i have no real idea what it all is. i feel confused. i read something that spoke to me, and i learned from it, but i dont really know what type of thing it was. it's applicable to my life, but i don't know what kind of thing is appliable like that. it doesn't need to be a type or category, but in my mind i like to categorize so i can easily find more of the style or type of thing. i like unique duplicates. i like music that is drums 'n bass, even if it doesn't have the same drum sample or melody. they're similar enough to be good anyway. in this case, i don't know how wide of a similarity i want, or really what it is i want anyway. i hunger for philosophy, but im not sure what i want is philosophical or some other type of psychological essay. i feel like a baby, crying for want but never having learned the words for the plea. i want to talk to someone. i want to try to describe it, to see if i've got it right. i want to apply the rubber ducky debug method to my inability to comprehend the nature of what type of information i've just ingested, but i also want to become the one to give such information out, because of how much i like it myself. information is free, and should be shared. i have to first comprehend it to try to make others do so too.

in attempting to comprehend knowledge, i also attempt to comprehend the nature of my in-progress or perhaps failed comprehension. this sort of looping thought has happened to me before. when i was maybe 8, i had this sort of thought that came to me occasionally, maybe weekly, that was the thought itself. i thought of it as a non-serious sort of bother, and so sometimes i would remember my bother, and be bothered by both my bother and my botherment of my bothered bother. it was strange, but very simple to me at the time. what i really mean is, there are thoughts that are simply unable to be transcribed to common forms of transfer. song, literature, film. how is one meant to convey such a thing? does it make sense to you, what i described? maybe so, but you can never get the full, carbon-copied thought i once had. there's just no way for me to do that. i like to be caught up in mental discussion of thoughts such as these, to consider heavily the comprehension of thought, what a thought is, why i have them, what they do, etc., but it rarely leads to new insights, and even rarer does it lead to helpful ones in my day-to-day life. but what i read was a very very helpful one, one that shocked me out of looping thoughts and caused one more looping thought, that is: "how can i apply this beautiful idea to myself? how can i make up new ones? how was this idea made? how does one convey such an idea? what is this sort of thing called?". and i really only feel frustrated at the fact that this idea is so good to me, yet i have no idea what it is called or what type of thing it is. pandas are animals. bamboo is a plant. blood is a liquid. food is edible. this thought is... philisophical? it sort of stretches the term, but i realize i have never really delved into the classic philosophy. was it because i fancied myself a blind playthrough of such a game? do i want to do it now? is it too basic compared to what i'm doing now? or are they different things entirely?

not in a long time have i ever felt exhausted by thought. i really feel more exhausted by my frustration at my inability to figure out what kind of thing i read was, not the thought itself. but i find myself thinking in loops and it frustrates me. what am i doing right now? why is it so complex? why is there nothing like this? i feel a burningly indescribable something. it makes me feel mad. what is this?? what is this??? it's like i've fallen prey to some cognitohazard that is much much more intricate than "think of me and i kill you". it isnt a cognitohazard. the thought isnt itself. i'm confusing myself right now. and developing a headache. i've gotten too immersed, i think? i have no idea. i need to stop trying to figure out what this is. the frustration lies in the figuring. i have had enough of writing this.