apt to dance, sapience and my idol

my eyes hurt. my head hurts. im writing because ive run out of other things to do that i really care to do. i feel melancholy, i feel apt to dance. i guess it depends on whatever track comes next in my shuffled library. maybe i feel apt to dance melancholily. i dunno.


i have come to appreciate Hakita as some kind of idol. i tend to find myself in poetic thought, a vague state, and i feel some people consider seriously why they live, and others don't. i separate people based on whether i find them smart or dumb. it's not so simple, but the internal discrimination is there. i find it unjustified and i don't need to justify myself. im a pure anti-sapience-ist. i hope whoever i meet has a sort of sentience i find myself unable to describe, and i hope i find the words to describe it soon. i think Hakita is this, i think David Foster Wallace was this, i believe Ed Harrison to be this (though i interface with him via his art, and i know nothing of how much soul/thinking goes into it, regardless of its quality (which is very high), so this belief could easily be incorrect), i think a lot of my peers aren't, i think my best friend unfortunately isn't, i think my mother is but never shows it (i find many overlook their own possession of this, this vision), i think my father is close, i think the schizophrenic middle-aged man whom runs a multiplayer Garry's Mod server, which i play on often, at his home, which is raided by police often, is, somehow, i think my sister isn't, i think i'll spend forever eventually coming with a solution to each soul i find. i tend not to really consider the grading. it is how it is made. i am discriminating. but i don't let it affect however i interface with others, and so it does no harm. but to my point, i find Hakita to be an idol to me, for he is exactly this to a degree that inspires me, and furthermore he has talent in the arts, something usually inverted, art is mastered by usually the rampantly free-timed, yet not the roman thinkers, but those without any to do. the artists i speak of usually do not think. that isn't to say artists have no thought. i mean a specific sub-type i encounter the most. the type who has never heard of Dadaism, never picked up a book, thinks nothing of their reason to live, but draws like some kind of tortured machine. i find a lot of people to be goddamn stupid and it is rich to me to find someone truly smart. i sound self-centric, but i make no claims of myself being one of these. Hakita is an idol to me because through the people i know of, he is the highest in this category. i believe myself to be close to it, and to try to be close to it is to be it (to other people), but i don't think i'm truly in it as much as he is. the vision of poetry. to see a blank paper and imagine what could be on it in the future, and to appreciate its colors and composition, rather than to see it and brush it off. to see potential, to be creative. to live a life, live, rather than to lay dormant inside the shell that is the body's urge to walk and eat and speak. i guess it could be the surfacing of the second conscious, the one that ties your buttons while you consider your breakfast, but i don't exactly know. i will say there definitely is one, pushing the keys on my keyboard while i drone on about what i want to write rather than which tendons to pull, but i am unsure if it factors into what i believe on other people's ability to be alive. you'll notice this giant paragraph is written in a solemn tone, which is very strange to me but i, still, have no idea what it means. why Hakita is my idol is that i assume, based off of his artwork at least, that he understands himself and this general field of philosophy et. al. better than i do, however it's measured. i hope someday to meet him. i fear he won't, (understand) and i'll look like a dumbass trying to describe an indescribable philosophy.